2008-03-30

Big family to-do's...

...leave me cold. That's one of the reasons I'm not particularly close to my family. But I have been watching with some interest as my neighbor Bob spent the last several weeks talking about and preparing for the christening of his first (or is it second? I can't remember) grandchild, a girl. Bob is a Polish Catholic. And apparently that means that every living family member within two thousand miles needs to attend the christening, and then attend a big barbecue at Bob's house.

He has been working himself to death to get the house looking pretty... endless cleaning, new paint on the inside and the outside, a new lawn on both his lots, lots of new mulch and plants and a new garden in the back yard and and and and.

Bleagh! I can't imagine.

And he's doing it not because he's particularly religious, nor because he's absolutely wild about his little granddaughter. It's mainly, from what I can tell, because the extended family expects this.

I have a hard time understanding this. But then, I have no biological children or grandchildren, and I am not close to my family or extended family.

Nevertheless, a big party is going on at Bob's house right now, and he graciously invited his neighbors, including us. Unfortunately, I had to leave to go to the airport, and I am writing as I wait on my plane (which is delayed, so I was going to miss my connection, but Continental was very kind to get me a different flight through Atlanta, first class, even, on Delta). I will get to Chicago by midnight tonight instead of 6:30 PM. Luckily I do not have to teach first shift tomorrow (the first day of five weeks of training), but instead I am teaching second shift (3 PM to 11 PM). So I can sleep in a bit.

I think Bob will be much more brutally tired tomorrow than I will be. ;-) But that's the joy of family.

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And now that we have sold our house....

Another appropriate song... Devo, "Cold War."

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Black water

So, we signed papers to sell our rental house on Friday. It was peculiarly anti-climactic. Twenty minutes of signing our names (I sign mine different every time, since it's difficult to grasp a pen properly with a tentacle - try it sometime), we thanked them and left. We kept the keys because we haven't got the payment yet. The papers should be signed this weekend by the buyers, and then we'll trade the keys to the title company on Monday in exchange for the payment. No payment - no keys. I don't expect any problems.

However, the buyer's agent will do a walkthrough on Monday, which is odd because normally you walk through the house and verify that everything is okay BEFORE you sign the papers to buy it. But, whatever. During the inspections two weeks ago, however, the agent noticed that the water coming out of the taps occasionally turned black, rich with some kind of fine-grained sediment, which we decided was iron.

Quite unappetizing.

So we paid the water man to rip out the pieces of the water softening system which were not working, and this would ostensibly correct the black water.

Luckily I checked the other day to verify that the work that the water man had done had fixed the black water.

Oops. It hadn't. Still black.

So I went and bought a large jug of Iron-Out powder (a poisonous white substance which is supposed to extract the iron deposits from water softeners, pipes, and tanks), and ran it through the water softener system not once, but twice. This involved moving hoses around, mixing the poisonous white powder into a bucket of hot water, and letting the softener system suck up the mixture into itself.

Soon the cold water was running crystal-clear again, which indicated that the softener system was clean. However, the hot water periodically turned black, still. This indicated that the problem lay inside the water heater. My neighbor suggested that the black sediment in the water was not iron, but was in fact aluminum, from the sacrificial anode inside the water heater. (All water heaters have anodes in them, designed to attract and trap minerals in the water, to keep the tank and heating elements from rusting out. The anode eventually rots away in our sulfurous, iron-rich jungle water, meaning the average water heater lasts for perhaps five years. Ours is four years old.).

I'm damned if I'm going to replace the water heater on top of all the other work we've done to this house. So I flushed the water heater, ran another batch of Iron-Out through the water heater, and then ran the hot water for twenty minutes from each tap and tub.

Finally it's all running clear. For the moment. I don't care... as long as it stays clear until after the buyer agent's walkthrough on Monday. After that, it doesn't matter to us. We bought a home warranty for the buyers, to fix anything that goes wrong with the house in the first year, as an added incentive to buy the house.

They can use the $*@&ing warranty after Monday. That's what it's for.

Anyway, here is an appropriate song: The Doobie Brothers, "Black Water."

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2008-03-27

Little girl lost

One of my darling "daughters" is quitting college, moving in with her actor boyfriend, renting a house with several other people, and is planning to go to community college and do "community work" (I'm not sure what that is). I'm disappointed, but I can't say that I'm surprised, because I didn't think she was mature enough for college. So I think she's doing what's right for her, even though I'm having a hard time understanding her reasons and I wish things had turned out differently for her. She just seems lost, and I don't know what, if anything, I can do for her.

She called me the other night to tell me all this, and even had me speak with her boyfriend (I've never met him) just to get to know him a little bit. I was flattered, because it seems like she was seeking my blessing, or my support, or something. I wasn't really sure WHAT she needed from me, but I tried to be encouraging and supportive. I hope it helped.

I'm just saddened, because I don't think this is a very good direction for her to go. But then, I don't really know what alternatives she has. She can't stand to move back home with her mother, which I completely understand. And she can't afford to stay at college, pursuing a degree in psychology which will ensure her a promising career in the food service industry. So she might as well do what she's doing. I just wish there were another answer. If there is, I don't have it. I think she just needs to find it on her own. All I can do is love her and encourage her and pray for her and give her whatever emotional support that I can, because she is my "daughter." I'm glad I have her, regardless of what happens.

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Too much rah-rah

Mack is a strange little man, the ex-Navy Seal soldier who hosts the show "FutureWeapons" on The Discovery Channel. I must say, he's not nearly as much fun as R. Lee Ermey, the former Marine who hosts "Mail Call" on The History Channel. Mack seems to always be posing, like he's concerned that someone will question his manliness. R. Lee Ermey isn't worried about that at all. He's all Marine. Hoo-rah! And as a former Drill Instructor, he always seems to be happily agitated about something, which is more fun.

Recently Mack went to hang out with the Israeli Defence Forces (IDF), to play with their toys. It was all very impressive, but nothing I didn't really know already. The Israelis have always been great innovators in weaponry, because it's really the only thing that keeps them alive, I think. But as Mack blah-blah-blahed about the Israeli weapons (particularly the Merkava Mk 4 tank and its multipurpose time-delay rounds), it sounded more and more like a big ad for the IDF. Which of course can't be helped, because the IDF wouldn't talk with Mack unless he agrees to be appropriately awestruck and complimentary about their stuff. Nevertheless, annoying.

I always enjoy learning about machinery and weapons, but I like "Mail Call" much better because Ermey isn't afraid to discuss a weapon's drawbacks as well as its strengths. Mack is just rah-rah about everything, as if whatever he's talking about is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Of course, Ermey often discusses historical weapons which are no longer classified, while Mack usually discusses experimental weapons which are classified (hence the name of the show). Nevertheless, I find Mack's posing and rah-rah enthusiasm irritating. Every weapon has problems and drawbacks, especially when it is brand-new. By the time the problems are refined out of existence, the weapon is obsolete, surpassed by better ones.

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A new word

I learned a new word today..."c*cktease." What a strange word. I had to look it up. "A woman who pretends to be sexually interested in a man, but who does not follow through with the act."

Where did I learn of such a word? I was looking for a video for a wonderful, spiritual, uplifting song by The Bloodhound Gang called "Lift Your Head Up High and Blow Your Brains Out."

Okay, it's not that uplifting, and it's very sarcastic. But it's quite amusing.

But there is no official video for the song. However, someone has put the song on YouTube, using a video compilation of "Dokuro-Chan", some kind of Japanese anime that is quite bizarre and very gory. In that video, which is usually subtitled with whatever the anime characters were saying in the original anime program, they use the word "c*cktease." While some strange girl with a golden halo repeatedly smashes some apparently immortal boy with a large spiked iron bat, spraying blood everywhere. Althought it seems to hurt, this does not seem to trouble the immortal boy all that much, as he seems to have an inexhaustible supply of blood.

A culture that would create such a strange anime video is truly f*cked up. But the song that's quite funny. "Life's short and hard like a bodybuilding elf."

Here are the lyrics. Jimmy Pop Ali (the singer of The Bloodhound Gang) certainly has a way with words.

Do you still go to raves?
Do you think that Christ saves?
Do you spend your days in a Purple Haze?
Do you contemplate what a grape nut is?
Or could you live drinkin' your own whiz?
Are you hooked on a feeling are you hooked on gin-n-tonics?
Are you hooked on fistin are you hooked on phonics?
Did you ever have sex with a box of Kleenex?
Did you like the movie Malcolm X?
Or do you own a record by Stryper?
Do you have a mongoloid cousin wearin' diapers?
Were you born and raised in New Jersey?
Did you like the taste of Crystal Pepsi?
Are you deaf?
Well if you are you can't hear me
But what's the use of living if your ear's be?
Broken even if I spoke clearly
You're still not able to hear me
Cause life is a game that no one wins
But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin'
So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit
No take that towel and hang yourself with it
Life's short and hard like a body-building elf
So save the planet and kill yourself
If you're feeling down-and-out with what your life's all about
Lift your head up and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out

Does your girlfriend look like the chick from M*A*S*H?
Dead ringer for Klinger with a thicker mustache?
When you're at a get-together does everybody always ask:
"Ain't no Halloween party, why's she wearin' that mask?"
Does she got more Chins than the Chinese phone book?
Would you rather make out with a rusty fish hook?
Does she stick to linoleum when she squats?
Does she look pregnant although she's not?
Did you first see your boyfriend on Cops?
Or at a Star Trek convention or on top?
Of your best friend or maybe at Wendy's?
Workin' third shift late New Years' Eve?
Does he live under a bridge, scare kids and kill squirrels?
Does he do kegstands until he hurls?
Could a blind man mistake his complexion for Braille?
Does he have time to sit around and wait for the mail?

Life is a game that no one wins
But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin'
So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit
No take that towel and hang yourself with it
Life's short and hard like a body-building elf
So save the planet and kill yourself
If you're feeling down-and-out with what your life's all about
Lift your head up and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out

So take your life instead of taking it for granted
I'm thinking you should can it, I think I'll help you plan it
Live today like it's gonna be your last
Hang out blow your mind have yourself a gas
I hope you take this the wrong way
And misinterpret what I say
Rewind and let me reverse it
Backwards like Judas Priest first did

Vee-moh ra-fee vee-dro yo-brah shneet ni-fuh ih-wahsh oh-fye.

(backwards-masking of the phrase "Devil child wake up and eat Chef Boyardee Beefaroni")

Cause life is a game that no one wins
But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin'
So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit
No take that towel and hang yourself with it
Life's short and hard like a body-building elf
So save the planet and kill yourself
If you're feeling down-and-out with what your life's all about
Lift your head up and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out

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Visions of China

I think it's interesting that Tibet is in revolt, and even some provinces of China are rioting, as the 2008 Summer Olympics approach in Beijing. Now is the time to force China to ease its totalitarian grip on its populace, yet the weak-kneed International Olympic Committee refuses to push, threaten or cajole Communist China into improving its behavior under threat of an Olympic boycott.

I think nations should NOT boycott, but instead should go to Beijing and use their presence to make political statements to shame the Communist Chinese government into improving its behavior. What will the Communists do? Shoot them? I doubt it. Deport them, perhaps. But the damage will have been done.

This is an excellent, appropriate song by the British New Wave band Japan.

Japan, "Visions of China"

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2008-03-26

Buy my #%@*ing house, part 3

We've had three contracts on our rental house so far, and the third time's the charm.

  • Contract 1 offered a bit less than what we were asking, and wanted 100 percent financing. We didn't even respond to that one. It was obvious that they couldn't afford the house.
  • Contract 2, offered at the same time as Contract 1, offered the same price as Contract 1, but offered 20 percent down and 80 percent financing. We accepted that one, from a smooth-talking, seemingly-sincere Canadian guy. He had up to 10 days to prove his financing in writing, although 3 days is customary. Three days came and went... then his sister was overnight-mailing his bank information from Canada. On the fourth day, his dad was sick and in the hospital. On the fifth day, the guy's mortgage broker said he needed to come up with more money down, and the guy's brother was supposed to give him some, and then couldn't. On the seventh day, his car was broken down. On the eighth day, he said he was spending too much money on his hotel at $70/night, and could he move into our rental house until closing? (Absolutely not, we said.) On the ninth day, he was supposed to meet with the mortgage broker again, but when we called the mortgage broker to confirm that, the broker was actually in another city, so a meeting oviously was not going to happen. On the tenth day, we told him his contract was expired, and thanks for playing! What a loser.
  • Contract 3 is a nice older couple from New York state, who want to be snowbirds and keep the house as a winter home. They are offering the same price as Contracts 1 and 2, but with 40 percent down. We close on Friday. I cannot f*cking wait.

We had to get the air conditioning serviced, and replaced a wall outlet, and had the water system serviced and the dead parts pulled out and disposed of and the remaining parts overhauled. That was more money I didn't have to spare, but it was worth it to get rid of this house.

I will be glad when Friday is over. ;-)

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I had forgotten that I was a geek...

...until I watched a recent episode of "The Big Bang Theory," which is a sitcom about four physicists. We love this show. We watch it religiously, because it's hysterical and the humor is very offbeat. But I had forgotten just how geeky I was until Leonard (the "hero") pulled a Battlestar Galactica Colonial warrior's uniform from the 1970s out of his closet.

I recognized it immediately, of course.

Then I was embarrassed that I recognized it.

Then I was indignant. Dammit, I'm proud to be a geek!

Then I was embarrassed again.

I have been waffling on that ever since.

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Why I don't consume "news" anymore

I don't watch national news. I seldom watch local news. I quit reading the newspapers. I find out what I need to on the Internet. One of the reasons I quit consuming "news" is the relentless bias that pervades it. For example:

  • When they talk about a "corruptocrat" (a corrupt politician), such as married former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer (who resigned over a scandal that he was patronizing prostitutes while he was Governor AND the State Attorney General), or current New York Governor David Paterson (who admits to adultery, to taking illegal drugs, and who is now accused of using his campaign cash for private use, renting hotel rooms for his adultery), or current Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick (charged with felony perjury for denying in court that he was committing adultery when in fact he was committing adultery, proven by thousands of text messages - and the perjury occurred during a trial over whether he fired two police officers for investigating whether Kilpatrick used his security detail to cover up his adultery)... the media never mentions the politician's political party. The three people above are all Democrats, but the national television and newspaper media completely failed to identify their political party in most news reports. But if the politician is a Republican, the media almost always reports that, as in the case of Senator Larry Craig (Republican from Idaho), who pled guilty last year to trying to solicit gay sex in the men's bathroom at an airport.

    (Apparently I will need to write a separate post about why politicians can't keep their dicks in their pants. Perhaps castration should be a prerequisite for holding political office.)
  • They'll describe a criminal by his or her age and perhaps height, but rarely by hair color or eye color, and never, ever by race, because it's politically incorrect, and it would reinforce the stereotype that minorities statistically commit more crimes. So rather than report the news accurately, they ignore some of the facts. And really, it just encourages viewers/readers to fill in the blanks with their own experiences, and it reinforces stereotypes anyway. And it's even funnier when they ask for people to assist in the search for the criminal, but they won't describe the criminal.
  • If a story is about a violent crime committed with a firearm, they'll usually put up a picture of a gun, and describe a "gunman," and say that he had a handgun or an "assault rifle." But if he committed the crime with a shotgun or a regular rifle, they won't say that, because it's not as "evil" a weapon in their lexicon.
  • If they're talking about war, or the economy, they'll generally only report bad news. If the news is good, they either won't report it, or they'll find something bad about the good news, and spin the story to focus on that. I find that especially irritating. Sometimes a media pundit makes the excuse that "people just can't understand the economy" so they won't report it. I find that especially insulting. What they're really saying is that journalists don't understand the economy, so they won't report it. And journalists don't like good news. Good news is boring.
I was schooled in broadcast journalism, by the way. I was very good at it. But the two things that I noticed even then were that:

  • "If it bleeds, it leads" was the rule for organizing the newscast, and that sums up the pervasive "bad news" focus of the media. I think that's counterproductive, and it helps explain why the percentage of people who watch the nightly news in America (particularly broadcast TV news) is declining, from about 14% of all TV households in 1980 to less than 6% of all TV households today.
  • Many of my peers would start their story with an idea, an agenda, a point to prove. And they would go out and find facts and interviews to support their point. Some of my professors valiantly tried to stop this, telling us that a good journalist does NOT do that. But my peers wouldn't listen. And in fact, I found myself doing the same thing, because it's easy. But it doesn't serve the public's interest in bringing them all sides of the story. And journalists just don't care about that anymore. They care about using the machine, the medium, to broadcast their point of view. And I'm not interested in listening to their point of view, because I find it depressing and frightening and often completely wrong.
I just found an interesting website, The State of the News Media, which is part of the Project for Excellence in Journalism, which I've actually heard of before. It's funded by the Pew Charitable Trusts, which is a liberal donor group, but thumbing through the website, they seem to be reporting the facts about the media industry fairly accurately. I'm surprised, because it's mostly bad news for the media. ;-) I will have to peruse it further.
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2008-03-25

A toy for who?

My darling wife expressed an interest in a blaster of her own. Wanting her to fit in with other humans, I thought it would be appropriate to obtain a time-honored classic weapon, the Smith & Wesson Model 10, a .38-caliber revolver.


No, she said, this one was too big, and the 4-inch heavy barrel was just too much. She wanted something smaller, like the Smith & Wesson Model 637 .38-caliber revolver.

The 637 is a five-shot aluminum-framed revolver with a 2-inch barrel, while the 10 is a six-shot steel-framed revolver, usually with a 4-inch barrel. The 637 is smaller and more difficult to shoot well, but it IS much lighter and easier to hide. The 10 is larger, more accurate, easier to shoot, and if you find yourself out of ammunition, you can beat your assailant to death with it much more quickly than with the 637. Nevertheless, I respect her choice.

I keep finding myself lusting after the Model 10 for my own collection, now that I found one for cheap, in very good condition. I don't need it, of course - I have at least three others that are very similar to it. But I want it all the same. The design is more than 100 years old, and it's still going strong. You can't beat perfection.

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Long line of cars

Back in the 1970s, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth (before they died and became oil), I remember long lines of cars waiting to get gasoline at the pumps. They had to ration it. You were only allowed to get gas on certain days of the week, if your license plate ended in a certain number or letter. It was like wartime.

I think that was good, actually. It made people very cognizant of what they did with their vehicles, and where they drove, and for what reason.

Then the oil crisis was over, and people got sloppy and wasteful again. Until now. In February, it was reported that U.S. gasoline consumption was down 1.5 percent compared to the same period in 2007. It has increased an average of 1.4 percent per year since 2000, and I think (though I am not sure) that it has increased every year since 1973.

Finally, after thirty years, pain at the gasoline pump brings about a change in human behavior. I'm a firm believer in B.F. Skinner's behavioral model of psychology. People respond and alter their behavior based on reinforcement. If they are rewarded for a type of behavior, they do it more. If they are NOT rewarded for a type of behavior, or if they suffer negative consequences for it, they do it less. (Negative reinforcement is not the same as punishment. It can be merely the failure to achieve any gains despite expending significant effort. That in itself can be a negative reinforcer. Although I personally think that punishment can modify behavior much more quickly and efficiently.)

So, for years, gasoline prices were quite low. This encouraged people to buy big cars. They were rewarded for their behavior by enjoying large, spacious, powerful vehicles that were relatively cheap to operate. Now gas prices are increasing rapidly, and people's choices in the past (to buy large cars) are punishing them in the present, every time they fill up the gas tank.

The oil companies are reporting record profits, by the way. Not that I particularly have a problem with that... they are in business to make money. But it is my choice whether to give them my money or not. Ergo, I drive relatively-efficient cars. I don't take unnecessary trips. I drive the speed limit, or below, at a point (45 to 55 mph) where my vehicle's gearing reduces the engine's RPMs to the minimum, while I make maximum possible speed at that lowest RPM (in fifth gear).

I think this behavior modification will have three long-term effects: one, it will shift car design toward smaller, lighter and hopefully less-expensive vehicles; and two, it will eventually reduce the rate of increases in gasoline prices compared to what they would have been if car design and gasoline consumption had not changed; and three, it will stimulate further development of alternative fuels such as biodiesel and solar (because ethanol and hydrogen are simply not and never will be cost-effective, in my opinion). I am ignoring the fourth long-term effect, that on the environment, because I don't think it will really be measurable since China and India's increase in fuel consumption will offset any tiny decrease the U.S. can bring about.

Pain is good for the population's car-purchasing patterns and gasoline-purchasing patterns, in the long term. I think more pain is better. I think a LOT of pain, while crippling to the economy, will bring about change faster.

Bring on the pain. ;-)

Here is an appropriate song for the topic, though it really deals more with traffic and less with gasoline prices. I like the discordancy of the trumpet and vocal melodies, and the overall minor key of the song.

Cake, "Long Line of Cars"

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2008-03-24

What bugs me about "UFO Hunters"

There's a new series on The History Channel called "UFO Hunters." It's a spinoff of the "Ghost Hunters" series, which should have been a warning to me. Anyway, as an alien, I always enjoy learning about UFOs. I keep mine parked in plain sight, where no one will ever realize what it is. But I always like to see what the other folks are driving. ;-)

But what bothers me about this "UFO Hunters" series is that, although they make a big deal of "investigating" and using "the scientific method" and running all sorts of tests on objects that may have come in contact with a UFO, nothing ever seems to come of it. It seems to me that they're more interested in sensationalizing a UFO report, adding clever Computer Generated Imagery footage of what the UFO or the accompanying aliens may have looked like, and rushing about talking to witnesses and rehashing reports that were already exhaustively documented years ago... and for what? Nothing. No conclusive results. Ever.

Case in point: They recently excised an "implant" (a metallic chip embedded in a man's thigh) to examine it. Before they excised it, they measured it for radio frequency output. They discovered two low-intensity Radio Frequency signals in the chip's vicinity, suspiciously in the same range as cell phone transmissions and GPS signals. Then they said it could have been anything, such as interference from the fluorescent lights in the room. Well, DUH, the scientific method would dictate that they should isolate the man in a Faraday cage, such as a specially-designed room in some university hospitals, or in a truck or a van with the engine turned off so as not to create more RF radiation. The metal shell of the room or of the vehicle will help deaden stray RF signals. Then measure the implant again to see if it's really radiating any kind of a signal.

Did they do that? No, of course not. Instead, they cut the implant out of the man's leg, noting as they cut that the chip seemed to be enmeshed in nerve tissue. Once the chip was out of his leg, it no longer emitted a signal (if indeed it had ever emitted a signal). Then they theorized that the nerve tissue had been powering the implant. But since their scientific methods were quite sloppy, they will never know whether the implant was radiating a signal, and if so, whether it shut off when it was cut out of the man's leg.

That kind of crap really irritates me. If you're going to waste time and money and video on "investigations" like that, at least take calculated steps to collect data in a systematic, experimental way so that you actually accomplish measurable results.

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One thin dime

I miss their trumpeter, but this song off Cake's most recent album, "Pressure Chief" is a good one. There is no official video that I know of - this one was for a kid's class project.

Cake, "Dime"

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2008-03-21

Why you shouldn't speed on the water

A woman was killed yesterday off Vaca Key when a spotted eagle ray leaped out of the water and hit her as she was riding in a boat moving at 25 mph. They don't know exactly what killed her, whether it was the impact or the stinger, but I'm betting it was the impact. That's a big damn ray to get hit with.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,340009,00.html

The same thing happened last year to a woman riding a Jet Ski on a river north of here. A sturgeon, which is a giant fish, jumped out of the water and hit her, and tore off her arm. She was moving much faster, at 40+ mph. She may have died, I can't remember.

Speed on the water kills you just as surely as it does on land. Except death arrives in the form of a firm mass of rubbery flesh and scale and teeth and stinger.

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"It's EASTER!" still rings in my ears, years later

In college, once upon a time, a girlfriend showed up at my dorm room one Sunday with her mother and sisters in tow. All of them were dressed beautifully, with their hair done up and makeup and everything.

"How beautiful you all look!" I said, clapping my hands appreciatively. "What's the occasion?"

"It's EASTER!" they yelled in unison, incredulous that I could be so unbelievably stupid.

"Hey, YOU guys are the churchgoing Lutherans," I laughed, trying to defend myself. "I sure as heck don't keep track of stuff like that. "

I still remember that, decades later. I smile to myself. Now it's my wife's job to remind me that it's Easter. Which mainly means that we have to dye eggs and eat a big meal. But that's about it. ;-)

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Annoying commercials

The latest TV commercial for OnStar (the built-in cellphone/remote control thingy in GM cars) is really annoying. It shows a car skidding off the road at night head-on into a tree. The horn honks continuously, as if the driver's head is smashed into the steering wheel.

OnStar sends out a crash alert, and emergency crews respond to OnStar's call, while the OnStar operator talks to the driver of the car and tells him that help is on the way.

The driver doesn't respond. Because he's DEAD! I think to myself, every time I see that commercial. Oh yes, OnStar was a biiiiig help there.

Does OnStar call the coroner for you, I wonder? ;-)

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2008-03-20

Guitar gods

The band Extreme is one of those underrated '90s arena acts that never gets the credit they are due for their sheer melodic virtuosity. Not to mention that their lyrics actually MEAN something. Quite rare in rock acts. Enjoy the guitar work in this one.

Extreme, "Rest In Peace"

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A strange beggar

A ten-second experience last summer has stuck with me, and it still perplexes me.

I was walking through a parking lot of a strip mall with my friend Bill in Red Bank, New Jersey, after buying some socks at the Marshall's store. A middle-aged woman with a cigarette dangling from her lip pulled up next to us in a beaten-up old car.

"Can you spare some change? I need gas money."

"No," we shrugged. "Sorry." Which was true - we usually live on expense accounts, powered by credit cards. We don't carry much cash - we don't need to.

She "Hmmph!"d loudly, miffed by our answer, and drove off in a huff. As we got into our car, we saw her circling the parking lot again, looking for someone else to beg from.

I have never seen a beggar who operated from a car. Nor have I seen one since. I thought it was very odd. Only in America, I think.

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Why's Everybody Always Picking on Me?

A classic tune from The Bloodhound Gang.

The morn'
The morn'
The morn'
The morn' that I was born my old man beat up the doctor
He clocked the doctor cause the doctor said I looked like Chewbacca
The doctor said sir you're misled sir which infers you mistook me
I did not mean your lovely wife was shackin' up with a wookie
What I mean is Wolverine is less hairy than your son
He's looks like Chewie Baba Booey Baba Booey and a Hong Kong Phooey all in one
To put it mild your new-born child's completely nutty fu-fu lookin'
I'd shove him back into the oven until he is done cookin'

But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Cause my fifteen-year-old cousin has less acne
But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Ain't brushed them teeth since 1983
But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Cause you've got the grooming habits of a chimpanzee
But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Cause you're white but got a nose like Bill Cosby

Why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Always pickin' and rippin' apart poor ol' Jimmy Pop Ali
I got a schnoz like the 'Cos' but there's a lot more wrong with you
So back me up Bill yea and you're ugly too
So what if I brush my teeth with a piece of cheddar cheese
Or wear a fish net shirt by Chams with my Sergio Valenti jeans
And my mirror never lies but it always verifies
I got more cheese and pepperoni than a homemade pizza pie
You compare me to a Monchichi but I don't understand
Why I'm scorned like I'm deformed like the Elephant Man
And yea I took my mom to the prom but hey she asked me first
But at least this time I didn't find my date in the back of a hearse
About as popular with the girls as Englebert Humperdinck
And that might be 'cause everybody calls me Shrinky Dink
I know I'm known as Polaroid I'm not a total retard
It's cause I'm done in sixty seconds and you'll still want it enlarged

But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Cause ya wore velour flares until the late Eighties
But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Cause you run like a girl and sit down to pee
But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Cause your only school chum was the lunch lady
But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
You took your mom to the prom but got lucky

Like that episode where Gilligan gets sick of being teased
And he breaks into the Professor's lab and makes some LSD
Peaks freaks and eats the Skipper's brains then beats Ginger with coconuts
As Mr. Howell and Lovey burn alive inside of their grass hut
Oh he'll kill again that Gilligan they should have let him be
And like a postal clerk I'll go berserk if you don't stop teasing me
See the trick is only pick on those that can't do you no harm
Like the drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm

But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Cause my fifteen-year-old cousin has less acne
But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Ain't brushed them teeth since 1983
But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Cause you've got the grooming habits of a chimpanzee
But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Cause you're white but got a nose like Bill Cosby
But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Cause ya wore velour flares until the late Eighties
But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Cause you run like a girl and sit down to pee
But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Cause your only school chum was the lunch lady
But why's everybody always pickin' on me?
Cause no one likes you, monkey boy!

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2008-03-19

Why I need to keep a rubber mallet next to my bed

At 3:00 AM, I woke up and realized something that has absolutely no relevance, or significance, or usefulness.

In middle school, my first serious crush was named Anne.

In high school, my first serious heartbreak was named Anne.

Decades later, I met and married a wonderful woman whose name includes... Anne.

And sickeningly, I then remembered that my mother's middle name was... Anne.

Is there something wrong with me, that my most significant relationships with women are generally with women who have Anne in their names?

Probably.

This is why I need to keep a rubber mallet next to my bed, to whack myself in the forehead and put myself back to sleep when I am afflicted with such stupid, ridiculous ponderings.

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2008-03-18

"Does your neck hurt?" asked the chiropractor

Since my bout with immobilizing sciatica pain in January, I have been visiting a chiropractor. I used to have one, decades ago, but he died suddenly of a heart attack while kayaking in the Rocky Mountains, and I did not replace him because he was a unique individual. (He actually knew he was going to die, and he set all his affairs in order, and said all his goodbyes. But that is another story.)

But I thought I would resume getting my spine and neck cracked, since sciatica is a spinal problem.

The chiropractor that I chose has the largest practice in this area. He took X-rays to show me that my spine was out of kilter, and my neck was actually separated at the base of the skull - I don't really know what holds that head on, other than musculature.

My spinal pain has dissipated under my chiropractor's ministrations, but one thing disturbs me, every time I go. He asks, "Does your neck hurt?"

"No," I reply.

"Hmmm," he says.

We repeat this ritual every week.

But lately, my neck HAS started to hurt, sort of a dull ache. Oddly, my chiropractor no longer asks me if my neck hurts. But I remember the question every time he wrenches my neck and I feel all of the vertebrae crunch, and I wonder whether making my neck hurt is not in fact a goal for my chiropractor. Perhaps to ensure that I will keep seeing him.

Hmm.

No matter. I will stop seeing him soon, both because my work schedule will soon require me to travel Monday through Friday (he is not open weekends) and my insurance will also run out for these treatments.

But if my neck STOPS hurting at some point after treatments cease, I think I will be able to draw a conclusion from that, and avoid going back to him.

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2008-03-15

I am going to hell, for sure

It's mean to make fun of people, so I make sure never to do it to their face, and to make sure I only do it regarding strangers. Somehow that makes it forgivable. Or maybe not. I blame my childhood. I was made fun of (and beaten up) quite a lot for being an alien. It taught me a strange, self-effacing, and often sick sense of humor. ;-)

We were walking through a department store last night, and a woman walked past us, heading in the same direction as us, who had the most colossal rump that I have seen in a long time. We're talking Biblical proportions, here. She was in her 40s, perhaps, and undoubtably had a glandular disorder that made her so oddly gigantic in particular areas.

I waited until she had passed safely out of earshot ahead of us, and then I glanced furtively over my shoulder behind us.

"What?" asked my darling wife.

"Do you see a whaling ship? I would hate to get run over."

My wife cracked up. "Or to get hit by a stray harpoon!" she giggled.

I am indeed going to hell. But it's not my wife's fault - she shouldn't accompany me just for laughing.

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And I thought I knew all the Monty Python songs

I listen to the Canadian comedy channel on XM, "Laugh Attack." I like it better than the other comedy channels, mostly because Canadians seem to have that slightly off-kilter sense of humour which, while delightfully vulgar, is also just twisted enough to tickle me in that special way.

I heard this on Laugh Attack the other night. The video is unrelated to the song, but it's vaguely appropriate.

Monty Python, "The Idiot Song"

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2008-03-13

Friends from the recent past and the distant past

Anand, a friend of mine from Mumbai, India (banished to Pune for work, poor guy) found me on Facebook. I'm glad he did! I saw Pune show up on my map at the bottom of this webpage, and I figured, "I know who THAT is!" Thanks, Anand, for frequenting my little corner. And Judy, of course, from Burlington Ontario, is a frequent visitor too. I've had the good fortune to have befriended them at work. Thanks, guys, for being so kind to visit! It's rare that I know people electronically AND personally. I tend to keep those worlds separate, just because I'm lazy I think.

I also got an email from Classmates.com, saying that eight (wow! eight!) people have visited my profile recently. I think it is just a marketing gimmick, myself. I don't think anyone from my high school remembers me, nor have they actually looked at my profile. Classmates just wants me to pony up money for a paying membership, so I can allegedly see who has been looking at my profile, and to send or receive messages. I'm not convinced.

Even if my high school classmates DO remember me, I doubt they are fond memories. I was REALLY alien then. I showed up at that school in 10th grade, when most of my classmates had been together in school since kindergarten. It's kind of hard, as the new alien on the block, to fit into a group that has been together for so long. Kind of like a new recruit being assigned to a platoon that's fought the whole war together. You just never quite get accepted, even though they might be nice to you.

Anyway. Pointless ruminations. Time to catch a plane home. Thence to work on the house to fix the hole in the kitchen ceiling. And to help Andy and Tara to move in. (Maybe I can weasel out of that one - spending half a day driving to the big city and back is not my idea of fun. I'll just lend them the Honda so they have space to move stuff, and a roof rack to use.)

Have a nice weekend, everyone! I work from home next week, so my posting may be erratic, since real life takes precedence over electronic life.

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2008-03-12

Things I've learned in 432 years

Mais' post got me thinking about what I have learned here on this planet. So in no particular order, here are some of the things I have learned in my short time here on Earth.

  • Humans are born alone, encapsulated in these fleshy bodies; they live alone, and they die alone. Therefore as a human, you must learn to be happy with yourself, and to like yourself. It is not necessary to love yourself, which can lead to narcissism. It is only necessary to be comfortable with yourself. This allows you to be alone and to maintain your emotional equilibrium. If you follow your human genetic programming to desire a mate, you can only find a suitable one when you first are comfortable with being alone. (The trick is, to not like being alone too much.) And then, you will not find a mate; a mate will find you. And if you do not find a mate, it will not matter, because you are comfortable with yourself.
  • Be happy with what you have. This applies to personal relationships and to material goods. If you have just one good friend, that is often enough. If you have the bare minimum of goods to survive, that is enough. Adding more of those things does not necessarily make life better.
  • Favor logic over emotion when you are making a decision. Your heart is a poor decision-maker. Your brain is a much better one. It does not matter what you want. All that matters is what is right to do. When you use logic to make decisions, the answers become obvious, without effort. The effort lies in following through on the decision.
  • Listen to people around you before you speak. A good listener is often well-liked. A good speaker, less so.
  • Treat others with kindness, even if it does not benefit you to do so, and even if you do not feel it inside. Being kind to others is a useful habit that (a.) lubricates your interactions with other people, and (b.) eventually creates a warm light inside of you that other people can see, even if you were dark inside before. You will become a better entity without even trying.
  • Trust everyone to a certain point, and trust no one beyond that point. Where that point lies depends on how much pain you are willing to endure at the hands of others.
  • Seize the opportunity when it presents itself, and do not hesitate. When you take a leap of faith, without doubt, you will fly straight and true, and land exactly where you intended to be.
  • Spend money frugally, but do not be overly concerned about money, because you will always have enough. How much is "enough" will become obvious to you over time. You will be surprised at how little that amount can be, to be "enough."
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I am officially surprised

That's amazing - New York's governor, Eliot Spitzer (D, for Democrat, which the news media always omits because they are trying their best to avoid associating Democrats with criminals - unsuccessfully, I might add) . . . resigned today.

I am speechless. I certainly didn't expect him to resign. It makes me wonder who threatened his life. Because that's probably what it took to make him quit. He has a history of being a loudmouth, threatening crusader, convinced of his righteousness, much the same as Gene Hackman's character as Sheriff Daggett in the western "Unforgiven" (1992). Daggett did nasty things to people in his belief that he was upholding the law, just like Spitzer.

I would think that Spitzer's tendency would be to boldface lie his way out of this, Clinton-style, insisting loudly that he's a victim, that it's all a vast right-wing conspiracy, that at no time did he EVER have sex with that woman, "Kristen." But of course, there's those bank records and those IRS files, showing that he spent upwards of $80,000 on prostitutes in the past several years, going back to when he was Attorney General. No weaseling out of THAT. Unless he claims his identity was stolen. Hey, THAT might work! "It wasn't me, it was some guy who stole my identity!" Hmmm. Yep.

It's time for a haiku!

Brazen loudmouth pol
slips in a pool of his pride
(or perhaps semen)

Plummeting from a
great height, the mighty man falls
head hanging in shame.

(Technically I'm not following the rule, because haiku are supposed to make a reference to the season, such as springtime. But hey, there's only 17 syllables in the darn thing. How much can you fit in there?)

Cherry blossoms bloom
in springtime, as a career
shatters with the ice

How's that?

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The Bataan Death March of Training

I am training 220 laborers (welders, assemblers, painters, etc.). They come from a wide variety of backgrounds and countries, and most of them are VERY nice people. They do hard jobs for a company who, in turn, takes care of them.

Many of these people have been here for 20 or 30 years. (I can't imagine being in one place for 30 years. I would go postal after five years. I don't LIKE people that much. I need to move on before I start to hate them, or more importantly, before they start to hate ME.)

Many of these people have never touched a personal computer before. They don't know what a mouse is. They've used dummy terminals connected to a mainframe, but that's all keyboard commands and the [Enter] key. No mouse.

Some of these people have never even touched a dummy terminal before. They can't type. At all.

Imagine trying to teach people how to use a computer system when they can't even work the keyboard or the mouse. And they're using an Enterprise Resource Planning system (like SAP or Oracle or JD Edwards), which is much more complex (and sometimes much more badly-designed) than your run-of-the-mill PC software.

On top of that, perhaps 15 percent of them cannot read English. About 5 percent of them cannot speak English, as far as I can tell. I feel badly for them, because all they can do is imitate what their neighbor is doing on the computer next to them. I'm sure I'm just speaking gibberish to them. Unfortunately I don't speak Spanish, or Lao, or Khmer (Cambodian).

I teach two Basic classes a day, every day, starting at 6:00 AM, and another at 2:30 PM. The other week, I was teaching a 10:00 PM class every night, for the second and third shifts.

This is truly the Bataan Death March of training. I am slogging now, one foot in front of the other. I tell them the same things in each class, the same way, as much as I can so that I am consistent. But at the same time, I find that I've stopped listening to myself. I lose track of where I am. I catch myself droning, which is a habit that I hated in my college professors, because it made their classes unnecessarily boring.

Now I am starting to understand those boring professors, from their point of view.

What's sad is, "training" hasn't even started. "Real" training starts March 31st. This is just "pre-training", getting users through the Basic classes so that they can focus on how to learn Inventory Transactions, or Shop Floor Work Order Completions, or whatever, in April.

But at least I'll get to teach something different. And that will keep me paying attention, and I won't drone. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sleepy yet? Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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2008-03-11

News flash: Eliot Spitzer's prostitute is expected to resign

Amid Charges of Spitzer Tryst, Embattled Prostitute "Kristen" Expected to Resign

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Eliot Spitzer is a first-class moron

Why is it that human males can't keep their dicks in their pants? Especially human males who wield monetary or political power? Exhibit A: Eliot Spitzer, one-time State Attorney General for the State of New York, now that benighted state's Democrat governor.

When he was Attorney General, he spent his career attacking businesses and large organizations who, in his opinion, were screwing the "little guy" (taking advantage of people who could ill-afford to be taken advantage of). As Attorney General, his job was to uphold and enforce the laws of the State of New York.

Now that he is Governor, his job is even more important, and his responsibility is even greater to uphold the laws and, more importantly, to abide by them.

So when he purchased the services of a prostitute during a Valentine's Day visit to Washington D.C., he violated the law (albeit in another jurisdiction, not his own). Still, the laws are the same. Prostitution is illegal in most states and municipalities. It is illegal in Washington D.C., and it is illegal in the state of New York.

For that reason, Spitzer needs to be brought up on charges of soliciting sex-for-hire, and he needs to resign from his position as Governor, or be forced out.

I am not holding my breath waiting for either event. Martians can hold their breath for a long time, but not as long as it will take for Spitzer to be punished for his actions.

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Why I never rush to upgrade a Microsoft product

As a writer and trainer, I hear people whine sometimes about how much better Macs are when I train them on a PC. "Big deal," I say. "Do you see an Apple computer in this classroom?"

"No."

"Do you see an Apple computer anywhere in your company which is sanctioned and supported by IT?"

"No."

"That's because your company uses PCs. On with the class! "

That said, I always enjoy it when I see bad news about Microsoft. So what if they own the world. They deserve the flak that comes with that ownership. And when I read about corporate stupidity like the story below, I am reminded why I don't work for a large corporation.

(BTW, I trust the New York Times about as much as I trust Hillary Clinton, which is to say, not at all. But the following is an amusing story, if any of it is true. The fact that the information is gleaned from judicial proceedings does not indicate that it is true. ;-) )

March 9, 2008

The New York Times: Digital Domain

They Criticized Vista. And They Should Know.

By RANDALL STROSS

ONE year after the birth of Windows Vista, why do so many Windows XP users still decline to “upgrade”?

Microsoft says high prices have been the deterrent. Last month, the company trimmed prices on retail packages of Vista, trying to entice consumers to overcome their reluctance. In the United States, an XP user can now buy Vista Home Premium for $129.95, instead of $159.95.

An alternative theory, however, is that Vista’s reputation precedes it. XP users have heard too many chilling stories from relatives and friends about Vista upgrades that have gone badly. The graphics chip that couldn’t handle Vista’s whizzy special effects. The long delays as it loaded. The applications that ran at slower speeds. The printers, scanners and other hardware peripherals, which work dandily with XP, that lacked the necessary software, the drivers, to work well with Vista.

Can someone tell me again, why is switching XP for Vista an “upgrade”?

Here’s one story of a Vista upgrade early last year that did not go well. Jon, let’s call him, (bear with me — I’ll reveal his full identity later) upgrades two XP machines to Vista. Then he discovers that his printer, regular scanner and film scanner lack Vista drivers. He has to stick with XP on one machine just so he can continue to use the peripherals.

Did Jon simply have bad luck? Apparently not. When another person, Steven, hears about Jon’s woes, he says drivers are missing in every category — “this is the same across the whole ecosystem.”

Then there’s Mike, who buys a laptop that has a reassuring “Windows Vista Capable” logo affixed. He thinks that he will be able to run Vista in all of its glory, as well as favorite Microsoft programs like Movie Maker. His report: “I personally got burned.” His new laptop — logo or no logo — lacks the necessary graphics chip and can run neither his favorite video-editing software nor anything but a hobbled version of Vista. “I now have a $2,100 e-mail machine,” he says.

It turns out that Mike is clearly not a naïf. He’s Mike Nash, a Microsoft vice president who oversees Windows product management. And Jon, who is dismayed to learn that the drivers he needs don’t exist? That’s Jon A. Shirley, a Microsoft board member and former president and chief operating officer. And Steven, who reports that missing drivers are anything but exceptional, is in a good position to know: he’s Steven Sinofsky, the company’s senior vice president responsible for Windows.

Their remarks come from a stream of internal communications at Microsoft in February 2007, after Vista had been released as a supposedly finished product and customers were paying full retail price. Between the nonexistent drivers and PCs mislabeled as being ready for Vista when they really were not, Vista instantly acquired a reputation at birth: Does Not Play Well With Others.

We usually do not have the opportunity to overhear Microsoft’s most senior executives vent their personal frustrations with Windows. But a lawsuit filed against Microsoft in March 2007 in United States District Court in Seattle has pried loose a packet of internal company documents. The plaintiffs, Dianne Kelley and Kenneth Hansen, bought PCs in late 2006, before Vista’s release, and contend that Microsoft’s “Windows Vista Capable” stickers were misleading when affixed to machines that turned out to be incapable of running the versions of Vista that offered the features Microsoft was marketing as distinctive Vista benefits.

Last month, Judge Marsha A. Pechman granted class-action status to the suit, which is scheduled to go to trial in October. (Microsoft last week appealed the certification decision.)

Anyone who bought a PC that Microsoft labeled “Windows Vista Capable” without also declaring “Premium Capable” is now a party in the suit. The judge also unsealed a cache of 200 e-mail messages and internal reports, covering Microsoft’s discussions of how best to market Vista, beginning in 2005 and extending beyond its introduction in January 2007. The documents incidentally include those accounts of frustrated Vista users in Microsoft’s executive suites.

Today, Microsoft boasts that there are twice as many drivers available for Vista as there were at its introduction, but performance and graphics problems remain. (When I tried last week to contact Mr. Shirley and the others about their most recent experiences with Vista, David Bowermaster, a Microsoft spokesman, said that no one named in the e-mail messages could be made available for comment because of the continuing lawsuit.)

The messages were released in a jumble, but when rearranged into chronological order, they show a tragedy in three acts.

Act 1: In 2005, Microsoft plans to say that only PCs that are properly equipped to handle the heavy graphics demands of Vista are “Vista Ready.”

Act 2: In early 2006, Microsoft decides to drop the graphics-related hardware requirement in order to avoid hurting Windows XP sales on low-end machines while Vista is readied. (A customer could reasonably conclude that Microsoft is saying, Buy Now, Upgrade Later.) A semantic adjustment is made: Instead of saying that a PC is “Vista Ready,” which might convey the idea that, well, it is ready to run Vista, a PC will be described as “Vista Capable,” which supposedly signals that no promises are made about which version of Vista will actually work.

The decision to drop the original hardware requirements is accompanied by considerable internal protest. The minimum hardware configuration was set so low that “even a piece of junk will qualify,” Anantha Kancherla, a Microsoft program manager, said in an internal e-mail message among those recently unsealed, adding, “It will be a complete tragedy if we allowed it.”

Act 3: In 2007, Vista is released in multiple versions, including “Home Basic,” which lacks Vista’s distinctive graphics. This placed Microsoft’s partners in an embarrassing position. Dell, which gave Microsoft a postmortem report that was also included among court documents, dryly remarked: “Customers did not understand what ‘Capable’ meant and expected more than could/would be delivered.”

All was foretold. In February 2006, after Microsoft abandoned its plan to reserve the Vista Capable label for only the more powerful PCs, its own staff tried to avert the coming deluge of customer complaints about underpowered machines. “It would be a lot less costly to do the right thing for the customer now,” said Robin Leonard, a Microsoft sales manager, in an e-mail message sent to her superiors, “than to spend dollars on the back end trying to fix the problem.”

Now that Microsoft faces a certified class action, a judge may be the one who oversees the fix. In the meantime, where does Microsoft go to buy back its lost credibility?

Randall Stross is an author based in Silicon Valley and a professor of business at San Jose State University. E-mail: stross@nytimes.com.

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2008-03-10

A new (old) theme for the race to the Presidency

Apparently my attention wandered for a moment in 1981, when this song by Fun Boy Three hit #20 on the pop charts. But I heard it today on XM Radio, and it seemed spookily appropriate for the American presidential race between now and November.

Fun Boy Three, "The Lunatics Have Taken Over the Asylum"

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2008-03-08

No good deed goes unpunished - but this one had better!

My nephew Andy and his girlfriend Tara are having a tough time making ends meet in the big city, where unskilled labor is plentiful and rents are higher than out here in the country. So we have offered to have them move in with us in the jungle and look for jobs here, with the idea of them getting their own place in a month or so. We so want to help them have a better life, because we love them.

That said, I have known several people who have done exactly the same thing for friends or family, letting them move in... and then they never leave. It often sours what was a beautiful relationship.

But Andy and Tara are good, responsible people. I know things will go well for them. They will find jobs, they will find a nice place to live, near us so that we can see them.

Things will be all right. I know they will.

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2008-03-06

Demotivators

I despise those annoying motivational posters that corporations hang on the walls to torture their hapless serfs. I much prefer these.













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Ringtones and harmonics

Some people have stupid, inappropriate songs as ringtones on their cellphones. My own stupid, inappropriate ringtone is "Long Distance Runaround" by the progressive-rock band Yes, from the "Fragile" album (1971). I have this song as a ringtone assigned to people who are physically far away. It's sort of a musical joke, just for my own amusement.

If you listen to the whole clip, the song segues into "The Fish," which is an instrumental based on guitar harmonics. Another easy-to-play song, but fun. The lyrics are "Schindleria Praematurus," which is one of the world's smallest fish, found only in the western Pacific Ocean near Australia. Apparently Yes's bassist in the early 1970s, Chris Squire, earned the nickname "Fish" from his bandmates because he liked to spend lots of time in the bathtub, and he once flooded a hotel room in Oslo, Norway. When the band was writing the song, they wanted an eight-syllable name of a fish to fit the 7/8 meter of the song, and that's the only one they could come up with.

This is a 2004 live ACOUSTIC performance of Long Distance Runaround," by the same band members who played on the original song on the "Fragile" album. Look at Chris Squire on the bass acoustic guitar, on the right. I have seen Mexican bass guitars, but this one must be custom. Look at the tremendously long neck on that thing! And I think it's only 4 strings, like most electric basses. It makes me wish that I had not sold mine. But I have no time to play anymore.

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2008-03-05

Catchy Electromagnetic funk

I love the melody line of this tune. It has a gritty, buzzy sound. And it's a suspended chord which never seems to resolve itself. Endless anticipation, which is what the song is about - naughty innuendo.

By the way - this is roughly how Martians see the world. Like the video, it's mostly gray, with the occasional oddly bright colors. But Martian vision is super-sharp, whereas the video is gritty and blurry.

Free Form Five, "Electromagnetic"

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For I have promises to keep

Martians have little use for poetry, or art, unless it involves making a functional thing more beautiful without altering its function. Like a platinum-plated fusion detonator.

But these words, by the Earthling poet Robert Frost, strike a minor chord in a Martian's hearts. They have special meaning to me. For I have a mission to complete, and I may not rest until it is.


Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost (1874-1963)

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it's queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there's some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

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2008-03-04

Pictures from the past few weeks


This is a "sundog" on a chilly morning in Chicago. The sun is on the left. The sundog is on the right, a bright, multicolored smudge in the sky. It is caused by the sunlight refracting off of ice crystals in the atmosphere, about 22 degrees to the right or the left of the sun.


Guess whose flight does NOT have a gate assigned? Out of all the flights? That's right. Mine.

Pretty skies.

More pretty skies.

I love clouds. I have a whole book of clouds and their pattern-names. I just don't have it with me to tell you what this is.

Birds.

Sunset.

My darling wife's friend Kimmy. She does art glass. This is her booth at a local art fair. She sold some, but not much. It's a lousy economy. Nobody buys art when they're poor.

Our backyard.

Our front yard.

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A silly map of cyberspace


I found a goofy map of what cyberspace looks like, at xkcd.com. I like it.

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2008-03-03

Sifl and Olly

"Sifl and Olly" was a show in the late 1990s on MTV, starring two sock puppets who host a call-in radio show that happens to be on TV, like "Imus in the Morning" but actually funny. Sifl is the dark one; Olly is the light one. Sifl is always blowing the budget for guest stars on stupid stuff like popcorn. Olly is usually frantic and/or insane about something, particularly the commercials for Precious Roy's Ronco-style mail-order junk. Chester is a perpetual stoner who hasn't got two brain cells to bang together. Their callers are always strange.

It's inspired lunacy. Infantile, perhaps. Stupid, probably. But hilarious all the same.

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Wooing in snippets

This is a montage of scenes from "Raising Arizona," where small-time criminal Hi woos and wins Ed, a female police officer, through a series of short interactions that take place each time she books him into jail for his latest criminal offense.

I think it's hilarious.

At the end, you can hear a bit of "Beethoven's Ninth Symphony" (Ode To Joy) on the banjo. Classic silliness.

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Near Death Experiences, part 5

"Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more;" - Henry V, Act III, Scene I.

The other day D called me to work on his PC. He had the same problem where his simulations would not display when he clicked on the button to spawn them. An Internet Explorer icon appeared in his Windows taskbar, but even if you clicked on it, it would not restore and become visible.

D said that K had used his computer that morning.

"Aha!" I thought. Another data point to assist in proving that K's aura has bad effects upon computers.

But, then C called me to his computer. C had the same problem as D. Yet he knew that K had never touched his PC. I asked J to verify this by checking the user logs on the machine. It was true. K had not touched C's PC.

"Hmmm," I thought. A data point that DISPROVES the theory that K's aura has bad effects, because C had the very same problem WITHOUT the same cause.

That made J and I look at C's and D's machines. They were both 64-bit workstations, just like K's. All three machines had SpacePilot 3D controllers, used for CAD design. In fact, no other PCs had had the "failure-to-display-simulations" problem other than these three. There are only nine workstations like them in the company.

J did some digging, and discovered that a network script that runs automatically to wipe every user's Temporary Internet Files folder upon logout would NOT run on the 64-bit machines; it was incompatible with them. Up to now, J had always destroyed and recreated the user profiles on those machines to fix the problem.

And we realized that destroying the user profile also erases the user's folder - which contains the Temporary Internet Files folder. And that's why wiping the profile fixes the problem.

So now we know roughly WHAT is causing the problem (although we do not know which Temp file is actually the culprit). What we don't know is how to fix it reliably.

But I think this lets K off the hook as being the only common factor among all of these machines' failure to display simulations. I cannot insist that her Near Death Experiences have anything to do with the PCs' problems, when a much likelier, simpler solution exists, according to Occam's Razor ("The simplest explanation is usually the correct one.")

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A jungle nightmare

It was a three-hour chopper ride aboard an aging Russian MI-8 from a military airbase in Belize into the impenetrable jungle. There were 12 of us, technicians and specialists employed by the company, mostly, but only one contractor. Me.

The crew chief recited the crash procedures from memory, eyes glazed, not listening to himself, just as we were not. We all knew that a crash in the jungle, if it didn't kill us, would leave us stranded hundreds of miles from the nearest road or river. If we survived a crash, the jungle would finish the job.

I thought back to Wilson's voice on the phone. "Mr. Smith," he said, for we were not on a first-name basis; I had no first name that I wished to share with anyone. "Mr. Smith, we need you in northern Guatemala."

"What for?" I said. "I'm on vacation. I need a vacation after that business of yours in Colombia."

"Yes, well," he stammered, "we do sincerely appreciate your services, of course, and although a war between Venezuela and Colombia would of course be a shame, the company will benefit greatly from such a conflict."

"Mmhmm, so if you're so grateful, why don't I get my vacation?" I asked, flipping channels on the television with my feet on the ottoman and a half-empty bottle of pinot grigio on the side table. "Northern Guatemala hasn't been much of a hot spot since the fall of the Mayan civilization."

"True, Mr. Smith. But the company has... interests... in the region, and one of our exploration teams has failed to report in for the past three days."

"Mmmm? So?"

"So we need you to go find out what's wrong. We're sending you in with a backup team. They are going to complete Team One's mission. You are going along to find out what happened to Team One, and if possible, to bring them back. Normal hazard pay, of course."

"Of course," I said, with a sigh. "When do I leave?"

"Now."

****

The chopper set us down in a clearing a few hundred feet wide that smelled of high-explosive, littered with giant trees tossed outward like matchsticks in a radial pattern, sliced off with razor precision at their bases, only a few feet above the ground. Some smoldered. The jungle canopy at the edges was tattered and filled with ragged holes. I shot an inquiring glance at the chopper's crew chief. He shrugged. "Daisy cutter bomb," he said. "500 kilos." I whistled. I hadn't seen one of those used recently, not since some unpleasantness in Chechnya. "This is the closest we could get to the target site using aircraft and still obtain a good landing zone. Any closer, and you would have had to parachute in. Most company folks don't like parachutes." I agreed. I never liked jumping out of a perfectly good airplane myself, though I had done it many times in the Rangers, and several times more for mercenary ventures.

The techs and the company lead, Morrison, leaped to the ground while the rotors were still turning, and hauled their gear out of the chopper. Another chopper approached behind us and dropped off a fair-sized yellow bulldozer at the end of a cable, only this bulldozer was like none I had ever seen. Instead of a blade, it had four large arms protruding from the front. The two upper arms had blunt steel blades like an eggbeater, made to turn on a vertical axis. The bottom two arms had short black, blunt-nosed tubes mounted on gimbals, with heavy electrical cables snaking back to a power pack on the bulldozer's back. One of the techs stepped up into the cab and fired up the diesel engine. I walked over to Morrison, intending to ask what the plan was with the bulldozer, when the operator wheeled the dozer around and drove it directly at the trees edging the clearing. Before he reached the trees, though, the blunt-nosed tubes lit up with a fierce green fire, and began tracing an intricate pattern on the trees ahead. At first nothing happened, and then clouds of birds rose into the air, shrieking their indignation. The trees began to slide apart, sliced into two-foot chunks. The eggbeater arms on the dozer began spinning slowly, and the dozer nudged its way into the treeline, shoving a path through the trees, which fell apart at its touch. Unseen animals bounded away in the underbrush.

"Come on," said Morrison with a grin, shouldering his pack. The rest of us fell in behind him, picking our way through the debris of fallen trees and burned and slashed underbrush. Every minute or so the bulldozer would emit an unpleasant electronic shriek above the rumble of the engine and the grinding of the treads. "Scares the animals away," said Morrison. "Wouldn't do to irritate the environmentalists. It's bad enough that we're clearing a path through the jungle. Can't be killing the animals too." We trudged on through the heat and the humidity and the bugs, slogging onward through an endless green canyon, covered with a cloud bank that descended toward us as we watched. Then it began to rain. "Figures," I said to no one, under my breath.

An interminable, muddy, wet two hours later, the dozer pulled out into another clearing and ground to a halt. Ahead, looming out of the mist, was a huge stone building, a pyramid with giant stair steps. Mayan, if I wasn't mistaken, circa 800 B.C. Moss and trees grew on it and out of the sides of the gigantic stone blocks that formed its shape, each block as large as a one-story house. The stone was streaked with mold and lichen. A cloud of brightly-colored parrots screamed out of the trees near the bulldozer, chittering their dismay at being disturbed. They circled above the pyramid in the rain, then disappeared into the trees beyond. The team stood in awe, staring at the ancient building.

Morrison unhooked the radio from his belt, keyed the mike. "Jackson."

Static.

"Dr. Vance Morrison, company Team Two to Dr. Don Jackson of Team One, come in."

Static was his only answer.

"Come on," said Morrison. "This is our target. Team One should be inside. They probably can't hear us through the stone walls." We picked up our packs again while the dozer operator secured his machine and stepped down to join us. We set off to find an entrance.

We worked our way around the building, hacking with machetes and laser saws through the underbrush that grew right up against the pyramid's base, until we found a long, low opening, almost like an airport hangar's entrance. We hacked our way inside, grateful to be out of the rain. In the musty gloom, punctuated only by the drip of water from the stone ceiling, we could see that this opening was akin to a veranda, a wide space with a stone ceiling above, a stone floor, and huge pillars made of stone blocks holding up the pyramid above us. Ahead of us was a rectangular hole in the wall, man-height.

"There," said Morrison.

*****

We snaked our way through what seemed like endless passages, some of which were blocked with rubble, others which appeared to have been walled up on purpose for no discernable reason. Morrison led the way with an inertial tracker that seemed to have some sort of satellite uplink, though how it could get a signal through 500 feet of solid limestone above, I have no idea. One of the techs bringing up the rear carried a nail gun. With it, he shot a bolt into the seam between two stones in the wall, every 20 feet. From the bolt, he hung a glow-stick, which would shed a soft white glow for up to 80 hours. The glow lit the passage with a soft, even light. It was as if we were at the head of a glowing snake that was working its way through the bowels of the pyramid, eating the blackness ahead, leaving glowing light behind.

Eventually the passageway widened and debouched into another wide stone-roofed veranda, this one apparently on the other side of the pyramid, higher up. Below us, a valley stretched away from us beneath the brooding pyramid. A solid gray blanket of cloud hovered above us, and the mountains to either side stretched up and disappeared into the grayness. Below us, hints of ruined buildings poked up among the trees, up to a mile away. This had been a fair-sized Mayan metropolis in its heyday. I keyed my radio, called to Dr. Jackson of Team One, not expecting a reply. I was not disappointed. I walked along the veranda, keying the mike, hoping that if the team was in our pyramid, or in the city below, someone would hear me.

I thought I could hear an answering chirrup when I keyed my radio. Was it birds chirping in the jungle below? I pressed the key again.

Chirrup.

It echoed down the veranda, echoing off the stone floor and the ceiling, acquiring a strange timbre as it traveled, a ghostly distortion.

Chirrup. It seemed to be coming from the jungle outside, off to the right of where we were standing.

"Mr. Smith!" One of the techs gestured to me. "Over here!"

I jogged over to where the tech was standing, looking over the edge of the stone platform. There, twenty feet below at the base of the wall, was a pile of brightly-colored garbage. Tents, rain slickers, computer equipment, a folding satellite antenna, rucksacks in the company's colors, even pieces of a shattered blaster rifle. Team One's equipment, obviously. I pressed the mike key on the radio again.

Chirrup. The sound came from the pile of shattered equipment.

I called Morrison over. His lips tightened when he saw the mess, but he said nothing. "We know they got here," I said, under my breath, so that the other techs would not overhear. They were already nervous. "Their equipment is here. They wouldn't have gone far without it. That means that they're still here. We need to keep searching the building." He nodded, silently. He pointed to another rectangle in the wall behind us, a different one than the one we came out of.

I unholstered my blaster, flicked on the flashlight, trained it on the doorway and walked forward into the blackness, with five techs and Morrison in tow. The remaining techs stayed behind on the veranda to take radar measurements of the ruined city below. One pulled a frisbee-shaped device from his rucksack while another fiddled with joysticks on a radio. The frisbee suddenly hummed and leaped out of the tech's hand, hovered, then lurched over the edge of the veranda and shot up into the sky. An aerial image of the ruined city appeared on the other tech's radio. She twiddled the joysticks and the view shifted as the frisbee slid, humming, across the ruins. The other techs watched silently.

***

The passageway slanted upward, moving in roughly a concentric square toward the top of the pyramid, according to Morrison's tracker. After about 20 minutes, the passageway leveled out and widened, with shallow alcoves twenty feet long on either side of the passageway, punctuated by huge stone pillars. The rock that comprised the alcove walls seemed to be a slightly different color in the flashlight beams. A strange dark rust stained the seams of the stone blocks where they fit together. Mayan pictograms lined the walls, occasionally punctuated with horrible faces with their eyes bulging and their tongues sticking out. I mentally kicked myself for not reading up on the pictogram language of the Mayans, but I had figured that the tech team would have a linguist among them to do any necessary translation.

One of the techs unlimbered a thick metal book-shaped instrument with a flat panel on both sides, which he said was a radar sounder. He flipped it on and studied the ghostly shapes that flickered on the display. "This wall is hollow," he said. "There's a chamber behind it." He moved down the passageway, pressing the box against each recessed wall. Each wall had a hollow chamber beyond, he said. The passageway continued onward into the blackness. I set up a torch, aimed into the blackness, and turned back to the group.

Morrison pulled the radio off of his belt and keyed the mike. "Tech squad B, report."

"Just finished a rough map of the city, sir," a woman's voice crackled back through heavy static.

"Pitch camp on the veranda. Follow the lighted path up the interior of the pyramid, and bring the gamma sounding gear. Join tech squad A up here in 40 minutes."

"Yessir," came the crisp reply.

Thirty-three minutes later, tech squad B came huffing and puffing up the well-lit passageway, their breathing echoing weirdly off the walls. They set up their sounding gear in the passageway while I hung back and watched. One of the female techs set up a thick cylinder like a stubby telescope on a tripod, aimed at the wall, then set up a laptop computer next to it on a folding stool. We watched as the display lit up. The screen was yellowy-white, and pulsed slowly in vertical waves.

"It's a gamma sounder," said Morrison, answering my unasked question. "It gives us a three-dimensional picture of rock, or hollow spaces, up to 100 meters through solid granite. Of course, you wouldn't want to stand in front of it - you might glow in the dark after a scan. But it works well for looking through mountains. Or pyramids," he added.

Over thr course of a few minutes, shapes gradually became apparent in the yellowish haze on the screen, as the gamma sounder scanned the chamber on the other side of the wall and built up a three-dimensional image. Slowly the image of a large room, like a raquetball court, became apparent. We were standing in a passageway that, had the chamber actually been a a racquetball court, would have been the observation gallery, high above the floor.

Down on the floor of the "court" was a large pyramid-shaped pile of stones, said the female tech, but they gave strange density readings. They were strangely light, she said. And they were all of a similar, uniform size and shape.

"How big are they?" I asked, leaning over her shoulder to look at the wavering, ghostly images on the screen.

"About so big," she said, holding her hands apart in the shape of a volleyball.

"Those aren't stones," I said. "They're human skulls." I had seen piles of them in the killing fields of Cambodia, in the mass graves in Bosnia, in the burned-out villages of Rwanda. It was only natural, in the vacant, empty monuments of the Mayans, a culture known for bloody human sacrifice, that I would see them again here.

She paled but said nothing. Morrison stepped closer to listen.

"What's with the wavy image?" I asked. "Can't you sharpen it up?"

"Yes sir, normally there's a little bit of waviness because of diffraction of the gamma beam through the crystalline matrix of the stone," she said. "But this is a bit fuzzier than usual. Almost like... almost like the chamber is filled with some sort of liquid."

Morrison and I shot a sharp look at each other.

"Technician?" I said to one of the chemistry technicians standing next to me. "Khalid, sir," he smiled, helpfully. "Yes, I'm sorry, Technician Khalid," I said. "Can you please take a sample of this stain on the wall and analyze it for me?"

"Of course, sir," he said, producing a small glass tube. He proceeded to scrape a bit of the rust off the wall into the tube with a pocketknife, and, flipping open the lid of his metal case that he carried, inserted it into a receptacle. He flipped on the analyzer and tapped out a few commands on its small keypad. The machine hummed and beeped.

"Iron oxide," he said, studying the numbers on the display. "Phosphorus. Calcium. High concentrations of iron."

"What percentage?" I asked, perhaps too sharply.

"Fourteen percent," he said.

"Blood," I said, grimly. "The chamber on the other side of this wall is filled with blood." Morrison sighed. Khalid looked as if he were going to throw up. "This is some sort of storage silo for blood," I said. "Filled long ago, and sealed so tightly that it couldn't coagulate or evaporate." Now Morrison was looking unsettled.

"Jameson," he snapped at one of the other technicians. "Start scanning these pictograms and see if the translator program can make sense of them. I want to know what kind of place this is, and why the builders of this pyramid would fill a whole room with blood."

"Yessir," said Jameson, looking positively ill.

*****

The technicians checked the other chambers in the passageway, a total of six chambers. Each one was identical, and each one was filled, floor to ceiling, with blood. The technicians estimated the age of the rust on the walls to be more than a thousand years old. Somehow, the ancient Mayans had slaughtered enough animals (no, they were probably people, I figured, given the piles of human skulls inside those chambers) to fill the spaces inside the pyramid. Where were the rest of the skeletons, I wondered? Probably somewhere else in the pyramid. I shuddered to think of what THAT find would be like.

We left tech squad B behind to analyze the chambers further, and we advanced upward along the passageway, with me leading the way. I hoped that we would find Team One at the end of the passageway, but my hope was fading.

Up ahead, a dim light seemed to reflect down the passageway toward us. The light grew brighter until the passageway emptied into the corner of a huge cubical room, perhaps fifty feet from floor to ceiling, and fifty feet on a side. About twenty glow sticks lit the room, jammed into crevices in the walls, glowing off the stone ceiling. Some had burned out, but most were still lit. The room was an ampitheatre, a "theatre in the round," with bleachers rising from the floor several rows up to meet the walls. A few instrument cases lay scattered about, along with a couple of halogen lights on tripods, and the shattered casing of another gamma sounder. A technician's tool vest lay discarded on the floor, amid the dust of centuries.

One of the technicians gasped and dropped her instrument case, and her hand went to her mouth as she pointed, wide-eyed, at the bleachers that lined the walls. My stomach lurched as I realized that the "bleachers" were actually stacks of bones; arm bones, leg bones, ribs, all stacked neatly, interlocking, to form tiers of rigid benches. The benches were covered with sheets of leather to provide a more uniform surface, which upon closer inspection, I realized were made of skin. Human skin.

In the center of the room were several rows of skulls, lined up on the floor, all facing our side of the room, where the bleachers rose slightly higher from the floor than the other three sides.

Morrison grabbed my arm and pointed to the last row of skulls. These weren't skulls. They were severed human heads, with flesh. They were faces... some with blond hair, some with dark hair. Several men. Two women. Some of them seemed peaceful; others had their lips parted in a final, wordless scream. All of them had had their eyes gouged out.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something moving. It was the last head on the far left end. It was moving, rocking, as if it had just been placed there, and was slowly settling into its final resting place. The sightless eye sockets stared emptily. Blood seeped from the stump of the neck. The stain grew in the dust around the severed head as we watched.

The female technician screamed. I flipped the safety off my blaster.

"I think we've found Team One," I murmured to Morrison.




Then I woke up.

I really hate nightmares like that.

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